I have torn ligaments in my ankle (jogging late at night in the park – yes, I know, I have no knowledge on what’s safe sometimes) and had to spend a few days working from home.
It has happened to me before when I have injured myself (shattered metatarsals a few years back), and can’t move, that I get really anxious. Like, I’m itching inside to sweat, to push my body to the edge. Get rid of something by physically moving myself.
And of course you can’t when you can hardly walk (if at all). And the anxiety grows. I have had bulimia before, and sometimes when I get really anxious about not being able to work the food out, the illness resurfaces. Or I cut myself, or somehow feel the anxiety because otherwise it is not going to go away.
It’s funny that the anxiety only presents itself in these situations. There is something about not being able to do things (not that I work out every day anyway, so it’s not that for sure) when my anxiety bubbles up and I get angry.
I’m not comfortable being angry. I hate it. I don’t know how to deal with it, and sometimes (like when I can’t work out but really want to) it turns into anxiety, frustration and self-harm.
I also think (now, with hindsight) that my depression, eating disorders, self-harm, extreme work out routines, and compulsions (used be VERY compulsive) are anger. I have realized that I have been angry for a long long time, and as I have been bottling it up, it has changed forms and come out other ways.
I watched a movie a while ago called The Rebound, where Catherine Zeta-Jones’ character finds out her husband is cheating on her, and ultimately expresses the anger by attaching the sumo-suited actor in a self-defense class. I don’t think we women often have these kinds of liberties in real life; anger is not a feminine emotion, and few know how to properly express it when the society offers so few ways of acceptable forms of anger release.
But it is not healthy to not express it. I think that now that I have FINALLY recognized my anger, I need to get it out. I feel like I am fucking angry all the fucking time because of all these fucking things, and there is nothing I can do about it, which makes me even angrier!
I get angry around my boyfriend, and choose to walk out the room as he is not comfortable with arguments. Sometimes in my mind I envisage a physical fight with him where I could throw things at him and where he would slap me and it would be painful and physical and noisy and hence would allow me to release all this anger from my soul.
But of course I can’t do that. Also, I am a good girl, and would never switch at strangers (I know a lot of survivors who are on the other end of the spectrum, and do do this, and even attack strangers just because of their own inner anger), so I really don’t know how to deal with my anger.
XX LittleGirl XX