Sitting on my floor, swollen ankle raised on top of a pile of teddy bears, sipping cold rum&orange juice.
Day at the office is over, I’m home, and the familiarity of my surroundings feels warm and inviting.
Browsing through the internet for deals on cameras (I want to start adding pictures to the blog), listening to soft r&b tunes on youtube, occasionally checking my blackberry for messages from my boyfriend.
Sounds like this could be the scene from almost anyone’s life, right? But under the surface, which I have to present every single day of my life, lies a web of sadness, pain, anger, bitterness, confusion and emptiness.
Yet no one sees this web, it is like the rest of the ice berg that floats under the sea; most people see me occasionally cry over something or stress about stuff, but that is just the tip, and if you let me delve into the feeling it would bring out the rest of the chunks of ice.
This blog is devoted for me to write down those thoughts, surfacing emotions, raw feelings and all the things that I can’t voice out using my own name and face. During the time I have been writing, it has offered me a chance to be heard, but not be seen. And that suits me fine, for it is the thought that I can be me, that heals.
As I sit here trawling through my emotions I realize that a lot of the blog is negative. Okay, maybe not negative as such, but quite painfully emotional, dark, painful and moody. It was not my intention, as this was meant to be a positive space for healing, yet most of the posts deal with the opposite.
Hence I wanted to offer my gratitude out into the universe, if just for half of a post, just as a reminder that I do feel blessed a midst all the emotional turmoil that has marked my 27-year old existence.
I feel blessed for the amazing support from people around me who care about me. I have made wrong decisions and made “friends” with people who want to bring me down or who have hurt me badly, but I am proud that I have had the ability to gather the most brilliant friends in the whole world into my life. People who respect me, people who love me for me with my strengths and my weaknesses, people who support me to the best of their abilities and know that I will be here for you as well.
If you feel a twitch in your heart, then you know I am talking about YOU.
I am thankful to God-given ability to stay strong. I hurt, I fall, I break apart, and I weep, yet I am able to pick up the pieces and grow stronger.
I am also thankful for the mind that God gave me. Mind to question, to experience, to wonder. I have a brain that will never be satisfied for how much information it holds, and which will yearn to learn for years to come.
Last but not least, I have the ability to love. This is not a given gift, as my little loving heart was torn apart by the pain and humiliation at the hands of my father – the first man who was meant to teach me what love is – but over the years my heart has healed, and I have given it permission to love again. And it does.
It has been hard for my heart only knew about heartbreak and heartache, but my mind has made it realize that those will come too – we are only human after all – yet those should not be the deciding factors in my life.
The main thing is to love for it is love that soothes souls, minds and bodies, and it is love that connects two human beings at a level where nothing else matters, and once nothing else matters, you have the chance to heal.