Another day another dollar. Things have gotten worse for me; I’ve been moved to another role at work due to “under performance” which I just think meant they didn’t think I was strong enough for the sales role, I’m also experiencing a lot of flashbacks and strange feelings, so dealing with all of that is super hard.
Without access to counselling or therapy (still looking – keep me in your prayers!) I am a bit…lost sometimes.
The only things that keep me sane in the middle of this mess are my boyfriend – who patiently deals with my mood swings and crying and drinking – and my support group.
I’ve been going to this group on and off for about three years; people have come and gone, but as it always is about a small group of female survivors or trauma and abuse getting together to share their feelings and experiences, there is some kind of mutual understanding and peace between us no matter who it is.
I am not sure what other people’s experiences of groups are, but this one is nice in the sense that everyone respects each other and there is no set agenda that we have to follow; quite contrary, the conversation and topics kind of flow until i’s time to go home.
The only thing that bothers me about my group however is the fact that we never talk about the abuse. Everyone is very vocal about the physical, emotional, mental, economic and spiritual problems they experience in their loves today, but hardly ever do we touch on what actually happened.
I’ve known these women for years, yet I have no idea what happened to them and why they come to the group. This bugs me, as I’d like to voice out my experiences but feel like I can’t, and hence I feel trapped as I like going because there people understand me and support me and I can be myself, but at the same time I can’t talk about the actual experiences of abuse.
I have however made a friend at the group with whom I meet up outside the scheduled session. The first time we hung out we both admitted to each other that we had been afraid of how things could turn out and how weird it would be to meet the “outside person” instead of the person we are in therapeutic situations.
But it’s gone well thus far 🙂 I feel liberated being around another survivor, but not just any survivor, but a survivor who is actively healing. I say this, because I have had friends who are survivors but who have not admitted that they have problems, or who deny their experiences, and these people can really be very very tiring to be around. Not in a bad way, but if I have decided to heal, I must – for my own sake- seek company from people who are healing as well…
So I would encourage all survivors out there to reach out to another survivor and see if there could be a friendship lying underneath the shared experiences. It doesn’t always work – unfortunately being a survivor doesn’t automatically mean you all are a great big loving family, but it is possible to find a friend who happens to be a survivor as well.
I’d like to leave you with a thought that emerged when I and my new friend were frantically texting after my psychiatrist appointment where I keep going because I am trying to get help but it seems like the services in my area for me are very limited; I said to my friend that I have to think of something else than the local services because if I don’t help myself, who will?
To which she said: “True, because if you don’t do it who will? Sometimes it feels like we’re always fighting for something”
From this a whole another conversation started about fighting battles and how to win, and in the end I feel I realized that wow, I am not alone in this, someone else is fighting for their survival too in just the same way. We both have different battles, but the emotion of having to constantly fight is the same, and now I feel that much stronger.
A shared pain is pain halved.