I feel so bad as I have not been updating my blog in a loooong time 😦 Again, I’d like to blame my busy life, but I know it goes deeper than that as plenty of people are full-time workers with constantly updated blogs….
As for me, I think when the real deep feelings surface and I am in the mood for dishing it out on a web page, I am never in the right place to be able to write my thoughts down.
I know that a phone with Microsoft Word would fully help my position, and as I really want to devote more time to my healing through writing, I need to upgrade to a better phone which would allow me to update and write as I go – on the underground in the morning, on the bus in the evening, or even during lunch break at work while waiting in line for food.
A little summary of what’s been happening-
I have recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder – the BPD . I am not sure if I agree with the diagnosis, but that being said, I have friends who have told me ages ago that they think I am Borderline. Even my friend who is a Doctor told me it would be very easy to come to this diagnosis when analyzing me.
After 13 sessions of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, the counsellor had come to a conclusion that my “conditions” – anxiety and depression – had not improved at all since I started seeing her, and she then pushed me further down the path of mental health services in Britain and referred me to a psychiatrist.
Now, the mental health services are arranged by Mental Health Trusts in England, and I think depending on where you live, you get different kinds of treatment after being referred. I had obviously been made to see a CBT counsellor – first point of contact really- to see if I could be helped over a few months of talking therapy; I’d say this is pretty usual in “mild” cases of mental health issues.
After she realized she could not help me, I was then referred to someone who had more resources available to her; after three hour-long assessment sessions, she diagnosed me with BPD and depression, and wanted to send me to a group class where for 12 weeks we’d be told how to manage the problems that being borderline gives us.
I was angry – all I want is individual therapy, but the waiting list for that is yearlong :O I also am bitter and disappointed that because I “cope”, i.e. go to work, I am not seen as “needy enough” and hence I’m put on a waiting list.
I am angry, that in this country, if you survive just enough to take care of yourself, no one cares, but instead you should be off the rails for people to help. It’s not seen as a strength that needs to be applauded and supported if someone holds down a job; only case where you’re not a participating member in the economic well-being of the country do people care more.
Shouldn’t it be that if you do work, you are seen as needing help to stay in work and there should be psychological help available?? No, not in England. And this pisses me off. I should quit my job, sit at home staring at the walls with a beer in my hand for someone to think okay, she needs help!!
So. To work I go, me with my depression and borderline personality disorder. I only hope God helps me stay on point.