I really wish I could devote more time to heal than quickly browsing my jaded copy of The Courage To Heal on the on my way to work, or cry in the darkness while my boyfriend sleeps because I have just had a flashback and all I can do is release the sadness.
I long for quiet moments, I crave for intensive therapy, I dream of an ever-listening ear, and I wish that I could just sleep and never wake up.
Yet none of this materializes. I wake up every day and go to work. I struggle, but I manage. I cry, but when I’m alone. I get memories and I have to deal with it all by myself, unable to make sense of what it all means to me.
I am angry that I am so strong that I can hold down a job, that I have never gone completely mental or ended up in hospital after a suicide attempt, that I can disguise all my pain and keep going. I am jealous at people who lose it, and whose pain is acknowledged, for mine will never be.
I get yelled at at work for being “too negative”, people don’t understand me and I always end up feeling like the weird one out of the group for I’m socially awkward, and I struggle every single day with getting out of bed.
It is not fair. I wish I broke down, for my struggle would be noticed. I wish I didn’t care about my future, and I’d be on drugs and high all the time. But I do care, and I do go on, and that’s my problem.
It’s like, I’m not doing badly enough to warrant people’s worry, medical intervention, or people feeling sorry for me, but I’m also not doing well enough to thrive and succeed. At the moment, I just exist.
My desire to completely break down stems from a deep need to be acknowledged, for people to feel sorry for me for I feel sorry for myself. I wish people knew how hard things are for me!
Yet I know I can’t go on like this forever; I must choose to fail or succeed. I can’t exist half way. I just can’t. I do wish to succeed, when my achiever self takes over I feel like I am the Queen and I can save the world, but in order for that side to be more prominent, I’d need tools and support for me to achieve healing. For without healing my pain, I can never let go of the past and live for the future.
But there is no time. I would like to release thoughts through this blog, but I never manage because I’m just exhausted from work, and tired of life. I feel like I’m slipping back into my old habits and ways and I can’t seem to catch myself and pull me back.
As I write this, the clock is ticking and it’s time to go to bed. Another day has gone past, and I’m left wondering what will happen next, and will I ever get the time, energy and support I’d need to continue on the path towards healing, or will my everyday existence take over and drag me down….