Lack of Time Equates to Regression in Healing

I really wish I could devote more time to heal than quickly browsing my jaded copy of The Courage To Heal on the on my way to work, or cry in the darkness while my boyfriend sleeps because I have just had a flashback and all I can do is release the sadness.

I long for quiet moments, I crave for intensive therapy, I dream of an ever-listening ear, and I wish that I could just sleep and never wake up.

Yet none of this materializes. I wake up every day and go to work. I struggle, but I manage. I cry, but when I’m alone. I get memories and I have to deal with it all by myself, unable to make sense of what it all means to me.

I am angry that I am so strong that I can hold down a job, that I have never gone completely mental or ended up in hospital after a suicide attempt, that I can disguise all my pain and keep going. I am jealous at people who lose it, and whose pain is acknowledged, for mine will never be.

I get yelled at at work for being “too negative”, people don’t understand me and I always end up feeling like the weird one out of the group for I’m socially awkward, and I struggle every single day with getting out of bed.

It is not fair. I wish I broke down, for my struggle would be noticed. I wish I didn’t care about my future, and I’d be on drugs and high all the time. But I do care, and I do go on, and that’s my problem.

It’s like, I’m not doing badly enough to warrant people’s worry, medical intervention, or people feeling sorry for me, but I’m also not doing well enough to thrive and succeed. At the moment, I just exist.

My desire to completely break down stems from a deep need to be acknowledged, for people to feel sorry for me for I feel sorry for myself. I wish people knew how hard things are for me!

Yet I know I can’t go on like this forever; I must choose to fail or succeed. I can’t exist half way. I just can’t. I do wish to succeed, when my achiever self takes over I feel like I am the Queen and I can save the world, but in order for that side to be more prominent, I’d need tools and support for me to achieve healing. For without healing my pain, I can never let go of the past and live for the future.

But there is no time. I would like to release thoughts through this blog, but I never manage because I’m just exhausted from work, and tired of life.  I feel like I’m slipping back into my old habits and ways and I can’t seem to catch myself and pull me back.

As I write this, the clock is ticking and it’s time to go to bed. Another day has gone past, and I’m left wondering what will happen next, and will I ever get the time, energy and support I’d need to continue on the path towards healing, or will my everyday existence take over and drag me down….

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4 thoughts on “Lack of Time Equates to Regression in Healing

  1. I’m so sorry you feel this way. When I read this post I realize I could have written it myself – over and over.

    Do you have a therapist you can talk with?

    Lisa

  2. Hi roseroars, thank you so much for your comment!!

    I kind of do have a therapist, but it’s CBT and not very good, she’s young (about my age!) and very inexperienced in abuse and trauma issues, so I can’t open up to her. I only have one session left as well 😦 (publicly funded, not sure where you’re from, but in England the national health service – NHS – has some sort of free counselling available but the wait was long and it hasn’t really helped….

    I do need to find a therapist – feel like it’s about the right time to find someone who really can help.

    I hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself, and thank you for reaching out!

    LittleGirl

    • That sucks. I’ve been reading about so many difficulties with New Zealand’s and Britain’s health services. Is there any chance you could get your own insurance through work, or is it the same for everyone?

      Sometimes I would like to open a Rent-A-Friend store just so I can confide in SOMEONE who could empathize and be supportive. *sigh* Only my husband and therapist know what’s really going on inside me, and I don’t tell hubby a lot. I’m lucky with my present therapist, since child sexual abuse is one of her specialties. And it only took 26 years to find her….

      Are there any workbooks that can help you until you find another therapist? I’m in New York state, and some books I’m using are “Courage to Heal”, Secret Survivors”, and “Growing Beyond Survival”.

      Keeping a journal helps, too. I don’t know. I just feel for you and I know it feels like no one cares, or ever will care, so why is it worth anything if you can’t connect with anyone….

      If you want, see my blogroll and links. There are a lot of DID links (I don’t know what your diagnosis is) and resources, but many of them are also survivors of child sexual abuse, too. There is support out there, even if it is in the ether of the Internet.

      I hope your day goes better today.

      Lisa

      • Hi Lisa and thank you for the comment.

        The health care is amazing for it’s free, but unfortunately there is a long waiting list for specialist services such as therapy. I used to have a private therapist who was a survivor herself, and I really wouldn’t be here without her, but she fell ill almost a year ago and she’s still not back.

        My company doesn’t do health insurance, and private therapy is expensive so I’m hesitant to find someone…I really need to though.

        I carry The Courage To Heal with me everywhere I go, and I find so much peace and solace in the stories of other survivors, as well as in the rest of the book. I have recently started working on the issue of Inner Child, and find myself intensely connecting with the child me, so I bought a book on working with the inner child (can’t remember the name).

        Most of my close friends know about the abuse and my childhood, but I don’t think anyone really truly understands unless they’ve been through it themselves.

        I’m not even from here (the UK) so finding resources and therapy and help can be really tough, so thank you for the advice and I will definitely check out the links and use the internet as part of my healing for right now I think it’s the only resource available to me.

        Have a wonderful day, thank you for reaching out, and take very good and gentle care of yourself!

        LittleGirl

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