I finally went back to therapy. I haven’t attended the sessions in about a month – mostly because I feel it’s completely useless, I really don’t believe in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, at least in my case.
Yet this is the only form of therapy that I seem to have access to on the public system, the NHS. They seem to believe in short-term talking therapies that provide quick results, but in my case I don’t think it’s effective, because it would take a long time to get to the root of all my issues and “problems”.
(problems in speech marks, because I truly believe my behavior makes sense to me, it’s a survival technique, yet still problematic in the sense that a lot of my behavioral patterns cause more harm…)
But today I thought okay why not, it’s the only thing I have (my awesome therapist who also is a survivor, went off sick six months ago due to a heart attack). We talked about the random stuff she makes me talk about, but towards the end she started asking me why I feel it would be important to remember the abuse.
I always thought I couldn’t “heal” from the abuse unless I completely remembered. Yet I think part of me doesn’t want to remember – it’s like, all the pain and sadness would come flooding back, so it’s almost better for my mind to keep a lot of it hidden in the depths of my memory.
I told her all of this, but also that if I remembered everything, maybe I would remember who I used to be. Who I am today is the product of my crazy adult life, someone whom I’ve wanted to become, but at this age, I am yearning to connect with who I used to be when I was little.
Maybe knowing this would help me connect with “me” – I am feeling very rootless a lot of times, disconnected from the world because who I am is something I created; for years I have pushed away who I was and actively sought to become something completely different.
But to know the little girl that I used to be would bring my life to…not closure, but I’d get a sense of whole-ness I think.
As I was telling her all this, she asked me that if I was able to remember the little girl I used to be, what would I say? I suddenly got a life-sized image of the little me in front of me, she was smiling at me with her hand stretched out to me. It was such a powerful image I’ll never forget it; it’s like, a part of me had come back.
I started crying, and my counsellor asked me again, what would I say. I realized, I probably would tell her to kill herself because life will be misery and struggle, it’s better to end it now.
I sat there in silence, and thought again, for the child was innocent, and maybe just maybe, she should be given a chance. I managed to say, I think I’d tell her to keep fighting because it will one day be worth it.
I also think she deserves a hug, for she’s a tough little fighter.
What would YOU say to your inner child today??