As I read an earlier post about thanking people I realized a lot of people who know me would be shocked that the only people I managed to thank were my best friend, my therapist and my dad….I do have a lot more thank you’s up my sleeve, and as I feel grateful to be alive tonight, I shall write them down.
I want to thank all those people in my life who have provided help, support, encouraging words, and love. I want to thank people who have recognized my needs, who have seen past my issues and who have endured my fucked up behavior just because they knew that that wasn’t really me, that was the effects of the abuse.
They together are healing my broken heart, and they are the missing story from the post that talked about relationships, for I had only listed all the negative stuff when in reality I have some amazing people in my life with whom it is not hard to be friends.
One time I was with my friend, jamming, talking about deep stuff. I told him how important he was to me, and he asked me why he was so important. I remember really thinking about it; how and why can person be meaningful to you?
“I feel like I was born with a normal heart, just like everybody else. Then in my childhood different people kept chipping away chunks and pieces of it…my father when he abused me, my mom, the bullies at school, every motherfucker who took shots at me…Slowly they broke my heart into pieces until there was just enough to keep me going…And this is how I lived until I met you. You..have slowly put back the missing pieces and chunks of my heart together like a puzzle, making my heart a whole.”
Apart from him, I have met the most beautiful people in this world.People who see deeper than my surface. People who see past my emotional disabilities and weaknesses, who support me through thick and thin according to their abilities, without whom I undoubtedly would be nothing.
My childhood friend with whom I recently reconnected has helped me remember our early years. My college roommate who helped me through so much stuff in one semester it would take someone else lifetime to do. My big sister from freshman year who saw my pain and made me seek help. People whom I met through therapy who allow me to feel whatever I need to feel and with whom I can form a sisterhood. A friend whom I met at Waterloo station one rainy London day just after I had arrived in this country, who has been a solid source of care and support. My housemates, roommates, and dorm friends. My acquired family members with whom I have connected in the US, Uganda, Portugal and a Zimbabwean family here in England. All of these adult caring people have provided beautiful role models for healthier growth and slowly refilled the huge void my own fucked up family left. Of course I wish I could have strong healthy relationships with my biological family members, but as it is not possible, I have yearned to belong and have adopted new parent role models.
These are just few instances of connecting with people regardless of my issues, and there are many more people in my life without whom I would not be who I am today. It is funny how survivors (and other people) often concentrate on the negative instead of seeing the rays of sunshine through the clouds that provide light in your life. So I do receive a lot of rays, and so inside, I feel warm.