Hello world!

Hello World indeed…This is my first post, written on a rainy day in England, when the skies are grey and mood gloomy, yet with much anticipation I step on this journey of revealing my journey to the world.

Suddenly this project that I have been thinking about for months seems an insurmountable task. I am afraid someone will know who I am, I am afraid of revealing my soul to the unknown readers in this world, and I am scared of what I will find from within my own mind whilst doing this.

Yet at the same time, this is a positive step for me. I have been wondering what it would be like to write about my inner-most thoughts to someone other than my therapist. This might be the type of thing I need at this point in time, to freely and anonymously write what I am going through, and maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to help someone see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am sure at this point someone will think; what the hell is she talking about? I am not quite sure myself. I guess the reason for this blog was to reveal to the world what the journey of healing is like for someone like me, who has been through trauma and abuse in their lives, yet who (to the outside world) is a normal, happy, outgoing individual. I have had to hide my shame, my pain, my tears, my blood, my bitterness and my never-ending struggle, from people, and go on about my business as if nothing had ever happened.

Until today. Today is the day when I start allowing people to get into the mind and soul of someone like me- and I am sure you all know a woman who has been through childhood trauma, yet you were unable to figure out exactly how they felt.

Or maybe you think you don’t know anyone, because how would you know unless they told you?  Us survivors are great actresses. We will tell you we are fine, when the world is crumbling beneath our feet and we are unable to go on living. So just because someone hasn’t come forward, don’t think that it definitely hasn’t happened to someone in your vicinity.

Today I feel good. Today I feel like I have finally accomplished something. Today, the veil of utter shame has been lifted, and out can come the true thoughts of a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

A xx

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2 thoughts on “Hello world!

  1. What people who know me are saying:

    “I absolutely love how you put your feelings out there. It takes a lot of confidence and courage to share deep and true emotion like that. I used to be able to express my feelings but lost my spirit even writing to myself where no one can see or judge. Keep it up lady!!! I’m always so proud of your growth and potential. Love you!!!!!!”

    And another email reply:

    “It’s a lot of stuff to cope with. Even just reading some of the lines still makes me very sad. I remember our talks about most of the things you posted in this blog. One of our talks was by the lake and I still remember the intensity of that conversation.
    Then, of course, you (and I) were still at another point of our journey. I’m so glad to hear you’re beginning to heal, to confront things the way they were/ are/ might be. It’s easier- I think- to cope with reality than trying to develop this “other” world for oneself. Even if this other world seems, or is, so much better than the real world. Eventually, one struggles to connect the two somehow. To bridge the gap between them which becomes more and more difficult. A waste of energy that one can and should use for healing…
    Good relationships are really so much more than “just” lovers or family ties. Friends are crucial, too, because you get to choose them in a way that lovers and family can’t be chosen. I hope you can focus on good people in your life that help you become the person you want and deserve to be.”

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