From my thankful heart

I am sure as the time goes on I will be more open about things, my own experience, what I’ve learned along the way and all that other stuff, but for now I wanna take it slow and see where my intuition takes me with this blog.

Firstly I wanna thank the people in my life who have brought me this far. My friend, who was there four years ago when I first had a flashback to the abuse that happened in my childhood. He has held my hand through good and bad times, kept me alive and tried to understand as much as he has been able to, without having any previous knowledge of how to support a Survivor.

My therapist, whom I cannot thank highly enough. She has been the solid rock in my life who has been sympathetic, understanding, helpful and who has guided me through the healing process. I am now finally at the stage in my life where I can talk about it, and she has brought me here.

And finally…As weird as it sounds, I guess I would like to thank my father, the man who I owe all my pain, sorrow, tears, self-harm, suicidal thoughts and actions, broken relationships, low self-esteem, underachievement, doubt and feelings of being utterly lost. For had he not done what he did, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be a strong, resilient, self-aware young woman with so much anticipation for better times. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And strong I have become.

Don’t get me wrong here- NO ONE deserves to be abused, inflicted trauma upon, not be loved, or not to be treated with utter respect for their human worth and their personal boundaries. But given that I have been through all of the above, I have to somehow stay positive and believe in healing, for without this ability, I would have to die. And since right now I don’t want that, I have to find a reason for healing, a reason for staying alive, and a reason for all this. So I have come to a conclusion that I should remain thankful, for without all the unbelievable pain, I would not be who I am today.

So thank you every one of you who has been a tremendous help in making me believe in myself and my ability to heal, but also thank you to all those who wanted to crush and suffocate me, for your efforts made me grow strong.

In the words of Tupac,

“Did you hear about the rose that grew
from a crack in the concrete?
Proving nature’s law is wrong                                                                                                                                                                         it learned to walk without having feet.
Funny it seems, but by keeping it’s dreams,
it learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete
when no one else ever cared.”

With much love, A xx

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3 thoughts on “From my thankful heart

  1. Email replies to me about the blog:

    “You are such a brave, courageous, inspirational woman. I read through everything and it made such compelling reading.

    I felt moved and touched by the openess, honesty and vulnerability I saw in the power of our words. You tell it as it is
    for you, and also by allowing others to see that, you are also not only giving yourself a voice you are also educating others
    about the impact that this has had on your life and how you are changing and growing in your healing journey.

    I love, respect and honour the light and the dark in you.”

  2. Another friend emailed me this:

    “Hi huny,

    I think it is really brave to put your story out there all be it anonymous, it still takes huge courage as it is certainly not an easy subject to write about. I can really relate to your experiences. I felt moved by your honesty and openness and felt truly inspired by your hope and determination that also shines through in the midst of it all.”

  3. Hi there: I was surfing the web and found your blog. The courage to tell your story is amazing. I understand that because I too am a fighter. I am not a survivor – you can be dead inside and still be a survivor simply because you didn’t die on the outside. To tell your story shows me that you are not a survivor but a fighter. I suffered sexual abuse for many years and it took many years to recover. I wish you the best on your journey and may God give you strength because much will be needed.

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